One of the great things about my 28 days of blogging in February is that it is forcing me to finish a lot of posts that have been lingering, half-finished, in my drafts…
Recently, I have tried dating again. Apps, online, being social, etc. I’ve been doing a little bit of everything. Dating is exhausting but can offer you a great deal of insight into what you value about yourself and other people. I think I had gone on my fourth date when I realized that I was far more confident with where I am at in life and what I have to offer a potential partner than I was a couple of years ago. A couple of years ago…
A couple of years ago, I met
Dude Gentleman Avery. Gentleman Avery is incredibly smart, well-educated, funny, curious, engaging, and attractive. He is all the stuff. He has faults, and I could enumerate them, but to what end? Despite them, in spite of them, I love him very much. Unfortunately, mistrust arose early in our relationship as a result of our shared desire to “hide” from each other. While it would impolitic for me to speak for him, I can say that my desire to hide from him resulted from insecurity. I met Gentleman Avery in March of 2019 before I had even started this blog. At the time, my debt felt like it was crushing me and I could not see a way out. I felt like I had so little to offer someone. Conversely, while Gentleman Avery was divorced, he had gotten everything else “right” in life (divorce can also be “right” but I know it is a sore spot for him and not how he would characterize the experience). He was attractive, fit, had a great career, a great income, had paid off his $100,000.00+ professional school debt, and was generally in the prime of his life. He also liked me a lot. But I couldn’t understand it, couldn’t imagine how someone like him would want me, and even if he did, I couldn’t imagine he would after he knew how much debt I had. Why would a yacht seek an anchor?
And so I held him at arm’s length. Enjoying his company and intimacy, while always hiding a bit of myself and hoping I would somehow never have to share with him about the coins that go clink in the night. As you can imagine, over time, this became exhausting for both of us. Both of us hiding and unwilling to be entirely vulnerable with the other person. At different points we tried, I tried, to just be friends. Hoping that this amazing connection could be something if it couldn’t be everything. I dated other people. He dated other people. But it never quite worked out. There has always been this thing with him. This thing that makes you feel warm, excited, annoyed, and a bit crazy. When being friends didn’t work, I tried to cut him out of my life entirely. More than once. But he always found me. Always assured me that it wasn’t how our story ended.
So here we are, years later, both single and tentatively reaching out once again. I don’t know that our story will have a happily ever after. I don’t know that it works like that in real life. What I do know is that I’m not an anchor. And I’m done hiding.
Lunar Do-Over Day 6: February 6th
1. How much did I spend today? – $0.00 – As a result of my upbringing, I generally treat Sundays as a day for family and rest; with preparation at home for the upcoming week. Most Sundays, I don’t leave the house, and consequentially, don’t spend any money. Today was such a Sunday.
February Variable (food, gas, misc.) Budget Initial Balance: $463.77
February Variable (food, gas, misc.) Budget Remaining Balance: $339.37
2. What financial information have I learned to help me when I’m debt-free? – As I shared in my post earlier today, I am currently reading up on Roth IRAs and trying to decide whether opening a Roth IRA or pushing my debt goal even further this year makes more sense. Both choices are about the future but one is decidedly more long-term than the other.
3. How have I lived abundantly? – I made a ton of kimchi fried rice for dinner. Kimchi can be expensive but I bought it fresh, whole, and bagged at my local HMart rather than in a jar. This means I had to spend time chopping it up but it was worth it. I love fermented dishes and Kimchi always makes my meals feel a bit more extravagant than they are.