Has reason abandoned me? Being reckless…

Recently I lamented that I have been suffering a bit from debt repayment boredom/fatigue. It feels like more than fatigue because it’s not that I am tired of paying off my debt. Before I got my new job, figuring out how I was going to pay off my massive debt before I turned forty felt like a real…challenge. My paltry salary at University B meant that it was not possible for me to pay my debt off in this period of time without strategy and hustle. I lived leanly and took every sid gig I could to shovel just a bit more money at my debt each. However, my new job, and a wealth of opportunity afforded by my ever-expanding network, has meant that paying off my debt by the time I am forty is no longer really a challenge. I felt gross writing that. But, as long as I stay employed and put at least $2,000.00 towards my debt each month, it will happen. It seems like the knowledge of this, my receding shame, and my slow returning financial self-confidence should find me in a good place. Should. Instead, I find that I am bored and idle hands…

Yesterday, I submitted an application for a lease on a commercial property for a business idea I have had for some time. I KNOW! Despite how it all went down, which is a story for another post, the end result is for the best and my appreciation for this is growing. However, at the time it sucked and I consoled myself with Chinese food and Ben and Jerry’s; the latter of which I came to sincerely regret after my body reminded me of my longstanding lactose intolerance…

I know. Despite writing in jest, I am heartily ashamed of myself. I allowed my temporary boredom to lead me to make a decision that could have had extensive financial consequences and possibly eroded much of the progress I have made over the past three years. To own it, I almost didn’t write of my almost mistake but I decided that it was necessary for posterity. One day, perhaps someone else trying to pay off a massive debt will also feel…itchy…and make an impulsive choice from a place of boredom. I want them to know they are not alone.

But it’s more than boredom. It’s more than fatigue. It’s FOMO (fear of missing out). As I have worked hard to pay off my debt and learn of other ways to make money, I have increasingly come to feel as though paying off my debt isn’t enough. That while it isn’t possible to make up for all of the time I have lost not earning a decent income or investing, I owe the AfroPenny of four years from now more than to just be debt-free.

I would like to say that this incident scared me and that my reflection here means that I am unlikely to take such a risk again. I would like not to lie.

4 thoughts on “Has reason abandoned me? Being reckless…

  1. Wait, so you are starting a business? I’m intrigued! And I’m looking forward to hearing more. Maybe it’s going to be awesome?!?!

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    • Awe, you are so appreciated, Ellen. I am not for the moment. And I am trying to extend that moment until I have more saved or my debt is more paid off but I am struggling. I was just being very honest about that struggle here.

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  2. As someone who made a reckless though post-debt financial decision, I sympathize 🙂 It’s easy to get bored with what you’re doing, especially when you’re not super happy either at work or in your house. Without knowing the details, I think I’m probably glad you pulled the application though (or whatever happened) — you’ll feel better moving forward with a new plan the more you can drive your debt down. I think I’m really leaning towards you moving in with your friend now though; making a positive change in one aspect of your life might really help with the restlessness?

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    • Yea…it really might be for the best. I have the summer work obligation and I am obligated at University B through the end of June but after that I have no reason that I need to be in my current city… I have an event in August but after that… She is scheduled to visit in early June and we’ll talk more seriously then.

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