That subtitle is for you Blissful… 😉

Variable Expenses Budget: $500.00
Spent Today: $0.00 – Yay!
Variable Budget Remaining: $251.49

October Income Goal: $2,500.00
Earned Today: $182.00*
Earned To Date: $605.19*
Goal Remaining: ($1,894.81)

Yea…today’s gig was an early one and I had to be on-site and perky at 6:00AM. This gig was actually on University B’s campus in the business school. Because University B is a medium-sized, private university, I took the gig with the assumption that I wouldn’t know anyone at the event and this turned out to be the case. Wearing a mask helped…

I have continued to wear a mask at all of my indoor gigs, which have been all of my recent gigs but one. Initially, internally, I argued that this was to limit my exposure to COVID-19 and other viruses this flu season, however, as I shared in an earlier post, I know that it is more than that…I know that I am a bit ashamed of my continued service work and fear running into someone I know. I don’t fully understand this fear as I generally don’t entertain the opinions of strangers with respect to what I need to do to support myself (yea, the irony isn’t lost on me). However, if I am truly honest, I really fear running into one person in particular…

I live in a large southern city, and the likelihood is extremely low that Gentleman Avery and I would run into one another at an event I am working…but there is always a chance. When we last spoke, really talked, I was still working at Organization C and University B, pulling in decent, almost “career, education-appropriate” money, and I felt confident about my financial position in a way I never had previously. I finally had something to offer a partner, at least in the nearish future. Gentleman Avery almost felt like an economic peer and had there been some impetus to bare our financial souls to one another, I could have done it. I could have done it.

However, a couple of months later and I no longer feel that way. And if I am truly honest (sorry for all these Red Shoe Diariesque confessions), I think that is the real reason I wanted some space from him. Space to find out if I could get into medical school/graduate school. Space to make a decision about further school on my own. Space not to feel ashamed about a career choice and an economic space that feels…regressive.

There is part of me that is hoping that this space, this lack of contact, will encourage him to move on…to finally let me go. He must be exhausted by us. I am exhausted by us. But there is another part of me that is hoping he’s still there. When I’ll have more answers…and feel like I have something to offer, again.
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*Income is reported as cash on hand. Some gigs are 1099 gigs (taxes not withheld) and some gigs are W-2 gigs (taxes withheld) and it would be tough to distinguish between the two in a neat way. Instead, I will report cash in hand, and money set aside for taxes and expenses related to gig work will have a budget line item each month.