Variable Expenses Budget: $500.00
Spent Today: $6.00
Variable Budget Remaining: $108.87
October Income Goal: $2,500.00
Earned Today: $0.00*
Earned To Date: $779.64*
Goal Remaining: ($1,720.36)
Thursday evening, feeling a bit lonely and in need to discuss American politics with someone who is as obsessive and speculative as I am, I reached out to Gentleman Avery. He didn’t respond until Saturday and was only willing to talk politics to the extent that it disarmed me so that he could find out more about my “disappearing act.” Despite my protestations to the contrary, he seemed to believe that I had met someone and was only returning after the relationship fizzled. Our conversation eventually turned to politics, religion, and everything we hadn’t discussed in the past four weeks, and it felt like old times. He was intelligent, clever, and many of the emotions I have always felt when I talk to him briefly resurfaced. Perhaps sensing that I was softening towards him, he once again asked about my disappearing act. This time, sleepy and relaxed, I went into a bit more detail about my need for space and my discomfort with the nature of our current relationship. Gentleman Avery is not an emotionally forthcoming person, and these moments of vulnerability from me, necessitated by his incessant peppering of me with questions, are never reciprocated. There is always a brief relief that accompanies my honesty regarding my own feelings and then an emotional nakedness when he shares nothing of his own. In the past, I have found it jarring. Last night, I managed quite well.
This encounter reminded me why my relationship with him lacks a necessary layer of emotional intimacy. For a long time, I have tried to pretend that his interests, intelligence, and wit, rare in terms of their compatibility with my own, were enough to overlook this intimacy gap, despite the ongoing discomfort and uncertainty it caused…
This evening, while recovering from the previous day, and in an effort not to contact Gentleman Avery, I logged into a dating app. I was preparing to sign off when I was contacted by Herr Philosopher. Five hours on the phone later, I have no idea where it will go. Or if it will go anywhere at all. However, five hours later, and the emotional intimacy possible with a stranger, I am reluctantly accepting that interests, intelligence, and wit, even when compatible with my own, may not be enough…
*Income is reported as cash on hand. Some gigs are 1099 gigs (taxes not withheld) and some gigs are W-2 gigs (taxes withheld) and it would be tough to distinguish between the two in a neat way. Instead, I will report cash in hand, and money set aside for taxes and expenses related to gig work will have a budget line item each month.